The Prices You Pay for Winning an Argument

April 22, 2015 3:59 PM

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One of the widely-held beliefs that threaten relationships is the idea that being victorious in an argument is a good thing. That notion is based in part on the assumption that when it comes to arguments, there are only two possible outcomes: winning or losing. It's a zero sum game and if you don't come out on top, there's only one other place that you can go. Given this mindset, it's no surprise that so many people, finding themselves embroiled in a relationship conflict, go for the jugular and pull out the big guns. "Big guns" are inflated or amplified threats, insults, and various forms of character assassination. "You're just like your mother!" "No wonder your last wife left you!" "You're the most selfish person I've ever known!" "I can't take this any more. I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow!" "I should have listened to my friends who warned me not to marry you!" And these are just the mild ones!

Then there are the more subtle forms of coercion and manipulation that are designed to discredit the other person's position or to invalidate their concerns in order to defeat their efforts to defend themselves in the face of an attack.

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