The good news is that police have found the $100,000 Maserati you stole from Miley Cyrus' home over the weekend. LA Police found the car unharmed in Simi Valley, about 45 miles northwest of Los Angeles, where you ditched it, after you couldn't find a chop shop willing to take a white Maserati with cigarette burns in the leather upholstery and a "BANGERZ 4 LYFE" bumper sticker on the fender. The bad news is that, according to police, "the investigation is ongoing" and no suspects have been taken into custody. This is why it's good that you have a head start.
As you already know, since you were there, a man and a woman scaled the fence at Cyrus' home over the weekend and then broke in through her garage. They stole some jewelry (which is honestly probably just from Forever 21 and made from melted down lucite heels) and Cyrus' new Maserati. No one was hom...
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