'Jupiter Ascending' review: It's 'Star Wars' for idiots, a flaming pile of space debris

February 5, 2015 1:02 PM

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1. Channing Tatum as a half-dog, half-Silver Surfer with Spock's pointy ears and Lassie's line delivery.

2. Mila Kunis as the world's hottest toilet cleaner. She's also a "recurrence" who happens to have the exact DNA as the deceased queen of the universe. (What are the odds?) No modern-day warrior queen, she's more like Cinderella in space, always falling off a tall building and getting rescued by Tat...

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