Fifty Shades of Grey Wine, Reviewed

January 13, 2015 5:02 AM

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I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey, or its sequels, but apparently it’s quite the tale. I’ve just been so busy tying men up to my bedposts with chains and lashing them in ecstasy; I have no time for fiction anymore. But all of that lashing and whipping and cackling is exhausting, which is where wine comes in. Thankfully the marketing geniuses behind the book (and its upcoming film adaptation) decided to branch out from the usual adult toys and fuzzy handcuffs and things that accompany the latest “It” books with branded wine instead—both a white and a red ($17.99/bottle).

I will start of by saying that neither of the wines was nearly as bad as I thought they’d be. Completely ordinary? Yes. Bad? No. Also, surprisingly, aside from the corny names (Red Satin and White Silk) the labeling is free of nudity or even the suggestion of nudity, which, quite frankly, is my main...

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