The Bachelor Recapped by Someone Who Is Too Old to Be on the Bachelor

February 3, 2015 9:19 PM

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We open with my 5 year old sitting next to me watching the makeout scenes in the preview montage before I shoo her to bed. I read to her a half hour ago, so stop judging me. Chris reposes in a meadow filled with hot air balloons, as an apt metaphor for his.... God that's too easy, any way you slice it. A blonde thinks that Santa Fe is known for being tropical and that it's out of the country. Well, maybe she's just good at math and not geography. Chris wanders around and his voiceover indicates that he is Really Serious about finding The One on This Episode.

The ladies get drunk as per usual and giggle and cavort. Kelsie, who everyone hates, has a pissy expression when Carly gets the date card, which says something like "Let's come together" in a tasteful foreshadowing of what the preview montage promised would be their later, pre-Fantasy suite hookup....

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